Michael Lawless

MERRY WIDOW

There was a merry widow

Shot her husband in the balls

Now she's going crazy

Bouncing off the padded walls.

He said, "I hate your cooking.

And I think you really smell.

So take this damn lasagne

And fry your ass in hell!"

At this she really snapped,

I mean she really lost her mind,

We're talking super loony

Crazier people you'll never find.

She went running down the hall

Trying to find her daddies gun.

She said, "Come on you ugly bastard,

We're gonna have some fun!"

She went looking in the closet,

And next to his bowling ball,

She found the object of her desire,

So cold and black and small.

She found the box of bullets, Magnum 38

She said, "Come on darlin'!

With god you have a date!"

He said," Hey, that's a real good joke,

I know that thing ain't loaded."

With that she pulled the trigger,

And with a snap his balls exploded.

There was a crying pain

That erupted from his eyes

But he let off not a sound

Just that same look of surprise.

She stood over him triumphant

As he lay in fetal position.

Grining just like MacGyver

After completing his final mission.

They say he died of heart attack

And I guess you would too

If you had your balls blown off

While eating some sick goo.

Her neighbors heard the lightning shot,

And started to call the police,

But this was a job for the SWAT Team,

Maybe even Edward Meese.

When the police came to take her,

She put up not a fight.

Just that damn crazy cackle,

That kept on going half the night.

They tried to drag her in to court,

For that she had to scoff.

"Go ahead and try it kid,

I can blow your dick clean off."

They all said she was crazy,

'Nuttier than a squirrel.'

Really worrying about the ugly fact

Of talking like a girl.

Well here's the day of truth

As she stands before the bench.

Just grinning at the evil thought

Of him without his wrench.

"Hey, Judgie Baby!

I know you love your tool.

I want it hanging on my wall,

Next to the bar, above the stool."

At this his face turned beet red,

And his free hand shot down low.

Just thinking about that ugly thought,

Made his blood pressure start to grow.

He told his bailiff to take her,

And make sure she never returned.

"If they'd just allow me to use the chair,

I'd see that she'd be burned!"

Instead she got the nut house,

Cell block number eight.

God, those awful things she said,

Made all the guys irate.

"Men have only one real mind,

And it's below the belt.

You can tell when he's been thinking hard

When his pants grow a big welt."

Any guy who'd share her prison,

Would cry back to his wife.

"What the hell would I do

If some day she got a knife!?"

So if it suddenly comes to you,

That you'd like to be a Eunuch.

Just visit that happy drugged widow,

I know she'd do the trick.

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