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The "complete" version of a classic.
95Nov24 5:44 am from Swagman
WHO'S ON FIRST?
Costello: Hey, Abbott, tell me the names of the players on our baseball
team so I can say hello to them.
Abbott: sure, Now, Who's on first, What's on second, I-Don't-Know on
third...
Costello: Wait a minute.
Abbott: What's the matter?
Costello: I want to know the names of the players.
Abbott: I'm telling you, Who's on first, What's on second, I-Don't-Know on
third...
Costello: Now, wait. What's the name of the first baseman?
Abbott: No, What's the name of the second baseman.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott: He's the third baseman.
Costello: Let's start over.
Abbott: Okay. Who's on first.
Costello: I'm asking you what's the name of the first baseman.
Abbott: What's the name of the second baseman.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott: He's on third.
Costello: All I'm trying to find out is the name of the first baseman.
Abbott: I keep telling you. Who's on first.
Costello: I'm asking you what's the name of the first baseman.
Abbott (rapidly): What's the name of the second baseman.
Costello (more rapidly): I don't know.
Both: (most rapidly): Third base!!
Costello: All right. Okay. You won't tell what's the name of the first
baseman.
Abbott: I've been telling you. What's the name of the second baseman.
Costello: I'm asking you who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on first.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott: He's on third.
Costello: Let's do it this way. You pay the players on this team?
Abbott: Absolutely.
Costello: All right. Now, when you give the first baseman his paycheck,
who gets the money?
Abbott: Every penny of it.
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Naturally?
Abbott: Of course.
Costello: All right. Then Naturally's on first...
Abbott: No. Who's on first.
Costello: I'm asking you! What's the name of the first baseman?
Abbott: And I'm telling you! What's the name of the second baseman.
Costello: You say third base, I'll ... (Pause) wait a minute. You got a
pitcher on this team?
Abbott: Did you ever hear of a team without a pitcher?
Costello: All right. Tell me the pitcher's name.
Abbott: Tomorrow.
Costello: You don't want to tell me now?
Abbott: I said I'd tell you. Tomorrow.
Costello: What's wrong with today?
Abbott: Nothing. He's a pretty good catcher.
Costello: Who's the catcher?
Abbott: No. Who's the first baseman.
Costello: All right, tell me that. What's the first baseman's name?
Abbott: No, What's the second baseman's name.
Costello: I-don't-know-third base.
Abbott: Look, it's simple.
Costello: I know it's simple. You got a pitcher. Tomorrow. He throws the
ball to Today. Today throws the ball to Who, he throws the ball
to What, What throws the ball to I-Don't-Know, he's on third ...
and what's more, I-Don't-Give-A-Darn!
Abbott: What's that?
Costello: I said, I-Don't-Give-A-Darn.
Abbott: Oh, he's our shortstop.
95Nov24 1:35 pm from Zeylan
You forgot to finish that. I have the rest of that from old archives.
Costello: Your shortstop?
Abbott: I-Don't-Give-A-Darn.
Costello: Neither do I, but that's not the point. I don't give a fuck who
anyone is any more.
Abbott: He's first base.
Costello: Look, I just don't care. I Give Up.
Abbott: He's one of our bat boys.
Costello: Will you shut up already? I stopped caring about this a long time
ago.
Abbott: What did you say?
Costello: Are you deaf? I said SHUT UP.
Abbott: Oh, he was our old manager. But we have a new manager now.
Costello: Do you think I care? I'm not going to ask you his name. I would
rather see you die before I go through this with you again. Leave
Me Alone.
Abbott: Yep, that's him. He's our new manager.
Costello: Who is?
Abbott: No, he's our first baseman.
Costello: Do you think I won't kill you? Is that it? I may be small, but I
have my limits, man. I've killed before, I can do it again.
Abbott: What did you say?
Costello: I said I'LL KILL YOU.
Abbott: He's our new relief pitcher.
Costello: Oh, I see how it is now. You're leaving me no choice. You WANT me
to kill you. You're asking me to kill you. It's Suicide.
Abbott: He's retired now.
Costello: Who is?
Abbott: No, he still plays first base.
Costello: Okay, that's it. That's IT, fucker. You are a marked man.
Abbott: What did you say?
Costello: I said YOU ARE DEAD.
Abbott: I've never heard of him. Is he any good?
Costello: Better watch your back, man.
Abbott: Infield player.
Costello: You are SO dead.
Abbott: Catcher, two seasons ago.
Costello: I'll kill you and everyone who looks like you.
Abbott: He doesn't look anything like me.
Costello: You'd better run.
Abbott: He was blacklisted a while back.
Costello: I hope you sleep with your eyes open.
Abbott: We recruited him from another team.
Costello: Fuck off!
Abbott: Nice guy, but he can't hit.
Costello: Oh, you wanna see a hit, do you? How about this?!
Abbott: Ow!
Costello: Yeah, he was MY first baseman!
Abbott: OW OW OW!!!!
Costello: Yeah! First base! How do you like it, fucko?
Abbott: You're hurting me!
Costello: He was my shortstop! And here's my BAT, BOY!
Abbott: Augh!
Costello: Third base!
Abbott: I'm bleeding!!!
Costello: Second base!
Abbott: Ow!
Costello: First base, shithead! How about this? Hear that? The sound of
my boot caving in your skull? That cracking noise? That distinct
sound was the name of our pitcher!
This act continued for a couple more minutes, and then was not ever performed
again. At least not publicly.
95Nov24 1:53 pm from Swagman
Oh FUCK! I fell off my chair laughing, my sides still ache.
95Nov24 11:53 pm from Mr Pube
"Fucko"? Hahaha... cool.
95Nov25 1:35 am from Zeylan
Sorry, but once I started writing that, I couldn't stop myself.
95Nov27 12:39 am from Luminary Coremaster
That was amusing.
95Nov29 6:08 pm from Swagman
I've saved that piece and entitled it "Abbott & Costello Apocrypha"
 
"Who's On First?" written by Bud Abbott and Lou Costello. Reprinted without permission. Apocrypha parody written by Zeylan, Copyright © 1997 Swagazine, All rights reserved. |